The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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