Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
