My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
