I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
