saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize