are you still at the devil's house?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
