Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
