i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
