1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
