I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There r osticjed everywhere
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
