Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
