I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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