He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
