Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
