Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
