how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
