One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
