i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
only if we run a train.
done.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
