Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
