Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
