my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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