Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I need to align my fucking chakras
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