Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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