My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
