my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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