Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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