I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
