dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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