Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
