If i come over, it means nothing
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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