Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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