the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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