my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
