Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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