And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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