At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
