4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
