just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
