Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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