You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
