yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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