My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
