Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
