guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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