If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize