the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
