I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
