Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
