Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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