He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
