party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
