Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
