Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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