oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
