I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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