sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
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Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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