I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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