I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
