i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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