I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
